When did we forget about joy?

It’s Saturday. I woke up this morning and did the usual - check my phone, check to see if Elliott’s awake, snooze a bit more, snuggle with Lou, scroll on Instagram, wait for Elliott to wake again, finally decide I just want to get up and get out of bed…. and here we are.

I thought I knew how to weekend. But these days, I am less and less sure.

During my bed-scrolling, I tumbled into my old coach Caroline’s instagram feed. And I read a post of hers detailing that joy is not just a feeling but a tool. And an incredibly important foundational tool.

Immediately I felt two things: an inner knowing that she was right, and a sense of deep relief. and a scatty, anxious shame that I’ve been doing it all wrong.

How could I have forgotten about JOY? Not just the pursuit of joy, but the intentional creation of joy as a critical ingredient to our day to day lives.

Which is why I am here, writing this.

Joy can look big - like the culmination of a lifetime of seeking and a year of planning on your wedding day, surrounded by those you love. Or a big night out, going to see your favorite musician with your best friends.

But, joy exists in small moments too.

Like any element, it can be created and destroyed. It can appear and disappear. And like any element, we have more control and autonomy over our experience than we think.

Joy isn’t just an external force. It’s something we have access to in every moment of every day.
That doesn’t mean that every moment will be joyful.

Instead, it means it is our responsibility to ourselves to create moments of joy - big and small - every day.

It’s easy to forget, or to discount, or to ignore all together - these daily practices and occurrences that create a joyful existence. Big emotions overtake us. Work sucks us in, caring for others takes over, the news presents a bleak picture of war, inflation, and disease. All of these things may be true. But simultaneously, we have a say over how we care for our inner worlds. We can let the fear, anxiety and sadness become our foundation, or we can build a new one through small, daily practices of joy.

The magic here - and I have experienced this as well - is that the more you build a joyful foundation, the more joy you will find, the less you will be tethered to the challenges we are all facing today. Like a building, through reinforcements we stand taller, stronger, longer.

So - what happens when you realize your joy foundation has been taking a back seat to your fears about your work, your wantingness to prove yourself, your perfectionistic, achiever self?

  1. there is no shame in forgetting or getting swept up into the stimulus in front of you and the big emotions. Cut the self critical shit out (note to self for sure).

  2. Awareness is magic. Now that you’ve got it, it’s time to put some changes into action.

  3. Start small. Recognize that joy is yours to make. Start with a list of small things that bring you joy that are yours to create, to destroy, to ignore, to celebrate - for me that’s writing, music (in all forms), reading, a great podcast or a really compelling show, connecting with a friend, moving my body (which can totally cross over into achiever territory so this one I have to watch), journaling, meditating, a relaxing bath…. there are so many more. Set a goal to prioritize these things more frequently in your life - you can start with a few times a week and build from there. Ultimately, I strive to create one moment of personal joy per day.

  4. All of these things have the ability to flip out of joy and into obligation - so it’s important to be mindful of this. Feel into your feelings - if something feels like a chore, it’s crossed into obligation. Feel into what might bring you joy in that moment and choose that - rather than pushing.

  5. Practice mindfulness and gratitude around those moments of joy that already exist - this is the pull side of the equation. You are an abundant being connected to a source who loves you. Goodness is being created for you every day if you just choose to see it. Recognize the love around you, the magical moments that happen each day, celebrate the small wins and comforts that happen no matter what you are experiencing. There is always a piece of joy to be found.

So we come back to Saturday morning. It’s easy for my mind to take me to a laundry list of things I “need to do” today - even joyful ones start to feel overwhelming. And so, I’m creating this space for myself to write in a way that I haven’t in over two years because it brings me joy. I had forgotten, but now I am here. And I will choose to use this moment as the first brick in a foundation of joy.

x

You are allowed to take up space

I sit at this keyboard debating: do I write today? What do I write? Will people actually want to read it? Does it feel true to my heart? Do I email it out? Do I just quietly post it on my blog and leave it be?

The truth is, this is a frequent debate in my mind. I have for most of my life struggled with my desire to put myself front and center and my fear of taking up space. One coming from a place of true wanting and creative force. The other coming from a place of fear and societal conditioning.

So often the creative part of me wins. But more often the fear side claims victory. Which is a fucking shame.

I have always loved that my friend Bryce committed to writing every day - because he was, in doing so, able to overcome his demons and just write one small thing every day that reflected what he wanted to say to the world.

I have a lot to say. Every day I have things to say. And so often, I choose not to.

I wish I could sit here and declare this the end of not saying, but I know that will not be the case. I will still struggle, still question, still choose not to share with enough frequency that it matters.

But I will take this opportunity of lucidity and open-heartedness to remind myself, and therefore you, that you are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to want to be seen.

And you should do whatever feeds that for you, on whatever cadence you feel most comfortable.

For me, I’ll be practicing taking up space in conversations, in your inboxes, in meetings (which I do a pretty good job of already, if I do say so myself), in coaching sessions, and in… life.

x

Yesterday sucked

Yesterday sucked.


It was a Monday - never a good start. It was the start of another quarantine week, the novelty beginning to wear off, the thought that this might go on for more than few weeks starting to settle in. In New York it was raining and bitter cold, a drop of more than 20 degrees. All day it was dark.

It was hard to get into work. Everyone had an attitude, including my dog. She was a real pain in the ass yesterday. She basically threw a shit fit because we left for an hour to go to Whole Foods. We returned to a bunch of chewed up items including her sometimes favorite, the remote. She (and we) never fully recovered from that incident.

What else…

Elliott was in a mood. Work was driving him nuts.

My legs hurt when I was riding my Peloton and then so did my lungs because I’m probably getting over Covid and because cycling is basically the only exercise I have to do right now.

I didn’t get as much done as I wanted to.

One of our coaching clients was getting nervous about a budget meeting.

Westworld was meh.

I’m writing this to you because you might need to hear it. Because your day might have sucked yesterday or it might suck today or in a few days or next week.

And I want you to know that is okay.

You’re entitled to feel how you feel. No matter how things are relative to others (I’m well aware that most of the stuff that “sucked” about yesterday is also stuff I am super grateful for. That many people have tremendously bigger issues than I do).

You will wake up the day after your bad day, or two days later, or five days later. The sun will be shining and you will appreciate it. You will do what you need to do to have a good day: have a good meditation, set an intention that colors the way you look at the world, get a workout in, have a win at work, eat something that makes you happy, tell someone you love them and hear it in return, hug your family tight.

You will learn, slowly but surely, that bad days pass. That good days follow. That if you hold on long enough, you’ll feel better. And that you do have a say in the matter, no matter what’s going on outside.

A reminder, for anyone who needs it.

x

The secret to working from home, from one who knows.

And on the 2nd Monday of forced WFH time, the public cried: shit’s getting real.

Ironically, I spent the last month adjusting to life working in an office, and now, we’re back! But this means I can share all of the things I learned in my year of working from home with all of you first timers. Don’t worry, kids, it’s just like riding a bike.

I will spare you all of the tips that the news outlets have been running all over the place (still change out of your pajamas! even if it’s just into other pajamas!).

In fact I will just give you one magical secret - the one that changed my life as a person who worked from home, and the one that your boss doesn’t want to tell you but SHOULD. Because it’s better for everyone in the long run.

When you’re working from home, you simply cannot work as much. Burnout becomes a much bigger risk.

You may say to yourself “but I’m working fewer hours at home. How could I possibly burn myself out? I can go for 10, 12 hours on a normal work day.”

And therein lies the big insight that will make you go “OHHH”: when you’re working at home, you’re generally working harder than you would at the office.

Why? at home, there are far fewer distractions than there are at the office (for the most part - working parents with kids at home, you are our true heroes right now). At work, you small talk with your people. You sit in meetings that you’re not leading or deeply participating in. You are interrupted and asked to share an opinion. All of these things add up to several mental breaks throughout the day, a few minutes that quickly add up to a few hours of time that is not spent ‘heads down.’ A 9 hour work day becomes really a 5 hour work day with a lot of b.s. in between.

At home, there are much fewer built in distractions.

So we have to build them in ourselves… or risk running ourselves ragged.

So here’s what I learned about staying sane while WFH:

  1. You’re allowed to work fewer hours because you’re working harder in those hours

  2. You need to build in time for yourself - to take time away from work. It’s imperative. Even if it’s 15-20 minutes at a time. I learned to love flipping through magazines, COOKING lunch, prepping for dinner, doing a quick workout, catching up on a quick episode of a favorite show. You must do this multiple times throughout the day.

  3. You must get to know your feelings and pay attention to them. When you’re getting ornery or tired or bored or frustrated, listen to yourself. Use it as a signal that it’s time for a break. Step away. Do something different. Get a chance of scenery.

  4. You are allowed to relinquish any and all guilt around the above. In fact, you must.

  5. You will always have more to do. Whatever you were able to get done that day was enough.

  6. Some days will be more productive than others, and that’s okay.

Now go put on an episode of Schitt’s Creek and call it a day.

x

Katie

Discover & share this Schitt's Creek GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.











When in a lull...

If you know me, you know I hate lulls. Times when things are slow, when there isn’t enough to do, when life feels ‘stuck’ or worse! Sad! Hard! Annoying!

I have hated feeling negative feelings my entire life.

In the past, my sole focus was to get rid of them.

First, I would try to ignore them or push them down. They would usually come out in some kind of tantrum or ‘burn it all down’ moment.

That didn’t really work.

So then I tried a different method of ignoring - achieving. I would schedule an awesome trip or go to some cool concert or do something great at work or do something stupid so I’d have a funny story to tell. Anything to deflect the negative feeling.

Works a little, but not sustainable and also not the keys to authentic happiness.

THEN, I would turn to self-help stuff. Bad feeling? Schedule a coaching session! Upset? JOURNAL FOR HOURS!

Valid, helpful, but… here’s the kicker.

Sometimes things are just hard. We go through down periods. We feel a little uncertain of where things are going. There isn’t a ton to ‘do' or ‘fix,’ we just have to ride it out.

So now…. here’s what I do:

I look at the situation. If it warrants some self work, I get that shit in gear. If it doesn’t, I move on to step 2.

I look at the positives of the down period. What can I gain from this?

for me, that means more time to write things like this, and exercise, and finally schedule that spa appointment with my mom that we got for Christmas almost a full year ago, and hang out with the Hen House downstairs

And finally, I look at the lesson. What is it that the higher powers are trying to teach me?

for me, in this instance, it’s about trying too hard to control for things to happen, instead of trusting that everything is working on my behalf to create what is meant to be created… and not getting so neurotic in the process, and crazy about timelines.

And if all else fails…I sit with the feelings. I be sad. I cry. I feel them. And I let them pass through.

x

Chameleon

I just finished reading the latest Taylor Swift piece in Rolling Stone - and of course, in classic Katie fashion, I felt inspired by what I read. Because, as with many things Taylor, I saw myself in her words.

Here’s the general gist:

Taylor was criticized or made fun of.

Taylor felt shame.

Taylor adapted herself to address said criticism and avoid said shame.

And on and on it goes.

Does this sound familiar to you? It certainly does for me. (An aside - I’ve been talking a lot about enneagrams lately and I am a 3).

For much of my life I was a master adapter. I could mold myself to fit into any situation. I sought approval from everyone around me, and so any criticism or comment or moment of dissonance was dangerous and scary to me. I had to be loved, by everyone, at all times. I had the tools to do it, too. I could do what I needed to protect myself by chameleon-ing and adapting to address any negative projection that came my way.

I learned to turn in on myself.

Anything that went wrong was my fault. Anything that someone said was a reflection of something I could do better.

Another aside: people tend to either turn inward or outward in the face of pain. Inwards = “I am wrong.” Outwards = “you are wrong.” Neither is the right approach but it’s good to see our natural inclination.

As with Queen Tay, at some point in life you realize that, like, this is exhausting.

Because it fucking is. You’re tired of doing what you think other people want from you. Your (ex)boyfriend asks your opinion on trivial shit and you struggle to find the answers because you are fighting between saying what he wants to hear and what you actually want to say. You don’t even know what your real answer is. And my god, you can’t even register on the stupid Myers Briggs test because you don’t know who you actually are from all of the adapting.

That’s where it really begins. That’s where you get to know yourself and who you really are and start to show up from that place.

You come home to yourself.

It’s beautiful.

x Katie

p.s. this is why I’m a coach. if this resonates and you are interested in coming home to yourself, ya girl is here.







e m o t i o n s (:

HI.

If you have been following my blog(s) for a while you know that I write about emotions a lot. I write about them a lot because I think about them a lot. I think about them a lot because I have them a lot. And because it can be hard to make sense of what to do with them.

Emotions can be good. We feel love, joy, peace. They can be “bad.” We feel angry, hurt, jealous. They can last a long time or a short time. They can feel in our control or out of our control.

We can act on them consciously. We can act on them out of auto pilot. We can use them to build and to destroy.

We can stuff them down. We can ignore them. We can power through them. We can eat/drink/shop/numb them away.

The challenge in all of this isn’t that we have emotions. It’s that we don’t really know what to do with them.

As I think about this today, I am asking myself: what is my perspective on emotions? And what’s the best way to ‘deal’ with them?

So here’s where I’m at at this juncture in my life, based on all of the reading and feeling I’ve done to date:

  1. Emotions are signals. We need to look at them, but we needn’t take them at face value. Sometimes they are overblown, louder than they necessarily need to be. If we can take them for what they truly are, an indicator of something to be looked at, we can use them to inform our actions.

  2. We have no problem with good emotions and so we treat them exactly as we should: we feel them, fully. We listen to what they are telling us: and because what they’re telling us is that we like something, we have no problem actioning on that by repeating that behavior.

  3. We have big problems with bad emotions. We don’t like to feel them. So we freak out and do all the wrong things: we don’t let ourselves feel them. We try to squash them or make them go away in any way we can. We let them spill over into other areas of our lives or we let ourselves be lead by them. And all kinds of other bad behaviors ensue like shame, blame etc.

  4. As human beings, we are not the best at interpreting our own emotions. Many of us don’t really have the vocabulary. As I mentioned, we tend to over blow bad emotions, and so often in our search to expunge them, we misinterpret or misdiagnose them. We make problems where problems needn’t be.



I believe the best way to “handle” emotions is to:

  • let ourselves feel them fully and be kind to ourselves in the process of feeling them (this is where coping mechanisms come in very handy: how can i get myself back to homeostasis? how can i be good to myself right now?)

  • appreciate that they are signals, not facts, and resist the urge to act on them immediately (especially during the height of the emotion) — see above about coping mechanisms

  • recognize they are not forever, but are constantly changing and shifting

  • work through them when needed (again, when the charge has reduced is best)

    • with a trusted partner or professional (seriously the best route IMO)

    • by journaling and checking in with our source of truth (intuition, belly)

    • by asking for the help of whatever ‘ force’ you turn to for help



I’m definitely not perfect at any of this - sometimes I get v. carried away, sometimes I need to fix immediately, sometimes I lose myself going down the wrong path.

But I try my best, and that is all we can do. And I am getting better.

What’s your perspective? Would love to hear from you.

x



Hiding

Why is it so easy to hide?

But on the flip side, why is it so painful?

I love writing and sharing the things that I’m learning. And the thing is, I’m always learning. Every week, every day, there is something new to explore and share. But I often keep these things to myself or to the quiet of my journal. I sporadically come back out and send an email, post on the blog, post on social… but I can never get myself to commit to or sustain my sharing.

Why is this?

Because hiding is easier. It feels safer. I don’t have to worry about how what I say or think might impact other people. I don’t have to wonder if I’m annoying you with my email(s). I don’t have to look for feedback (positive or negative) that I should keep going. I can just keep on keeping on in the safety of my own mind.

But hiding keeps us stagnant. There is no room to grow, progress, stretch, or take up space when we are keeping to ourselves. We won’t rock the boat, but we also won’t change. And often, we won’t get closer to what we really want. Which is painful! Parts of us calling out to be seen don’t just quiet down because we tell them to. Instead, we suppress them in the name of safety. But they’ll still be there, under the surface, an itch waiting to be scratched, a dream waiting to be expressed.

I coach people on this a lot in our O50 work. I say this because I want you to see and feel that this is not just limited to showing up in terms of sharing your thoughts/feelings online. Hiding happens all the time, multiple times a day. At work when we don’t share an idea in a meeting or ask a boss for something we need. In our relationships when we hold back a feeling and let it boil and bubble over.

Hiding happens all the time, because we’re constantly being invited to stretch.

So how can we stop hiding?

We may never entirely. It’s a reflex that is often unconscious.

But we can look for opportunities to stretch instead of suppress. We can listen for the call to do or say more, examine the fear that accompanies this call, and then choose to take a chance instead. We can do this every day in ways big and small, and over time, build the muscle. The muscle that says “I’m here, this is who I am and this is what I want to do and I’m going to do it even though I’m scared.”

So today, look for places you are holding back or hiding. And ask yourself, what one small step can I take towards showing this part of who I am?


via GIPHY

Hello, World!






On medication

I’ve been on Zoloft since I was 25.

I had just started a new job at Freshpet, after a really tough experience at Vaynermedia which resulted in an abrupt quitting after many many days and nights in tears.

Up until this point I had been doing therapy pretty consistently, and had already gone through treatment and long recovered from my eating disorder. I was doing well, but I wasn’t thriving. The critics in my head were rampant, and I had trouble shutting them down. I would spiral out about things and replay episodes that had upset me over and over. I was hyper-critical of myself for most everything. Anything that went “wrong” felt much bigger than it actually was.

My mom encouraged me to explore medication as anxiety runs in our family and it has helped other members of our family.

I always resisted. I wasn’t sure I ‘needed it’ and I didn’t want to become dependent on something. Mostly though I think I was worried about the stigmas surrounding it and the adjustment period (where you often felt very tired and slowed down). I was afraid of what it would do to me. Would it change who I was?

Until I stopped resisting. The Vayner experience left me feeling battered and down. I was starting something new and I wanted to do a great job. I wanted to stop getting in my own way by not being able to let things go.

I talked to my general practitioner and we decided to try the lowest dose of Zoloft (50mg) and see what I thought.

Now, seven years later, I have spent the last two months trying to ween myself off of Zoloft at the encouragement of a spiritual advisor I’m working with.

And I’m writing this today because I don’t think that is the right choice for me.

The world of anti-depressants is interesting. Diagnosis is spotty, because you can’t measure blood levels or other biometrics to know if something is wrong - it is based on what the person (sometimes an unreliable witness) tells you they feel. I have often wished that someone could draw out the levels of serotonin etc in my brain and properly diagnose me (is it very mild depression or very not mild anxiety?). I know that it can be difficult to find the right medicine or the right dosage. I myself had gone to a psychiatrist and been recommended ADHD medication, which just didn’t sound right to me — I never felt that I had ADD. I ended up asking my general practitioner instead and very specifically naming Zoloft. I’ve played with my dosage a bit here and there mostly because general practitioners have suggested trying to go up a bit because ‘why not?’. But it’s really on me to say if it is working or not, and how much is attributed to taking it versus other things in my life (positive happenings, self work, etc). So it’s just hard to know.

I’ve been exploring what it would be like if I were to go off of Zoloft for over two months now. I’ve gotten my dosage down below 50mg, slowly tapering off bit by bit. Mostly out of curiosity: am I cured now? do I need this? Is it holding me back in some way? will I have to do this if and when I am pregnant anyway?

Today I woke up after a day of anxious mental nagging, which has been preceded by many similar days. Of seeing problems but not solutions. Of finding reasons to be sad.

I don’t think this is working for me.

I’m ready to acknowledge it.

I am okay without it. But I am not great. I struggle more. I am more critical. I question more. And it doesn’t feel like I am doing any of these things for good reasons.

It’s been an interesting experiment because it’s reminded me of how I used to feel without Zoloft.

Maybe, regardless of 7 additional years of growth and self work and coaching, I am still wired this way naturally.

Maybe this is why medication exists at all.

Maybe I need a little help. And maybe that is okay.

————-

An update: I went to the doctor (PLEASE consult your doctors before tapering off of meds - don’t be like me!!) and had a really good long talk about tapering and how I’m feeling etc. We decided we are going to stay on the lower dosage for now and check in in a month. It felt really good to share all of this with someone who is an expert and discuss it fully.

We also decided that I should get some support in the form that works best for me to supplement the medication (eg. therapy, coaching on a consistent basis).

Basically the bottom line: there is nothing wrong with being on medicine, especially if it helps you. There is no need to be a hero. But if you are going to try to taper, do it with medical help and increase your supports as you do it. There is no right or wrong answer, only what feels right for you.

A life update one month into 32

I turned 32 last month. A fairly ordinary birthday, right?

No. As it seems, 32 is some kind of BIG. A year that turns everything on its head. A year that is asking me to start seeing the world differently, to step way, way out of my comfort zone.

By now I’ve learned there is no point in resisting. So I’ve let 32 come and sweep me up like the tide and pull me out into the sea.

In the last month I’ve:

  • left my job and started thinking about career in a very different way

  • become a co-parent to an amazing handful of a pup

  • gotten a tattoo inspired by the divine feminine and traveled the country with my wonderful boyfriend

  • created an LLC and a business plan that I’m excited to bring to life with friends

Why? Because 32 has (for whatever reason) given me permission to stop saying “I can’t” and start saying “I trust.”

I was tired of saying no to the callings in my gut, and letting my brain rule my life.

And honestly… I finally understood that I don’t have anything to lose. I will be okay, no matter what.

It’s like 32 flicked on a switch inside of me that said “it’s time to listen” and all fell into line.



Why am I telling you all of this?

First, to ask for support. I’m in exploratory mode, if you will, and would love connections to anyone who I may be able to help.

I’m taking on new coaching clients. I’ve been studying hard and crafting a new methodology for coaching, based on all of the principles that have helped me to really heal. I’m excited to start sharing more with you all.

I’m also taking on freelance marketing/consulting projects.



But more importantly, I want you to find inspiration in my story. I want you to learn how to deeply connect to your internal knowing and how to act from that place.

I want you to stop saying “I can’t.” Because the only person who has the power to dictate that is YOU.

I want you to heal the pain that you’re carrying around (we all have it).

I want you to start living that life your soul has been craving.

So I’ll be getting back into a cadence of sharing with you guys - probably on a weekly basis.

I have some time on my hands, after all…



Sending lots of love for now,



Katie











You are #1

As you guys know, I started a new job two months ago. My "dream job," thinking and talking about what I love (helping people) all day, every day.

I'll tell you a secret-- it's been hard. Really hard.

I always find the beginning of a job to be challenging. To date, I've accepted that this is part of who I am. I like feeling super competent and really understanding things (which is hard when you're learning a new business or how a new company works). I get really overwhelmed and anxious when I'm not settled into a groove, and feel like I'm living in an anxiety cloud.  I didn't think there was any way around this part of my life. So every time I start a new job, I struggle through until I make it out the other side, usually with a few bruises and a few months under my belt.

But today, I finally had the insight (with help from my coach aaaand my boyfriend) to ask myself: after 10 years, why has it never occurred to me to question if I HAD to struggle at the beginning of a new job?

In coaching we talk a lot about choice- how we have the ability to choose in almost any situation. You get to choose how you show up, so you get to choose what happens to you. You assume you're going to have a bad day, you have a bad day. 

I never thought I had a say in how the first few months of my job feel. I thought it was just my inherent nature to struggle, and be scared, and feel uncomfortable, and let my anxiety run wild.

But what if I can choose?

What if the reason that I hate the first few months of a job is because I feel unsafe and like I have something to prove, so I make my job my #1 priority?

And what if I can choose to make myself my #1 priority and assume that I am already safe?

Because that's what happens at that magical moment when the clouds part and I suddenly feel good at work. I feel safe, because I feel like I have built up enough clout. I start to put myself first again. I pay attention to my needs. I snap out of turbo mode where I jump right into work the second I arrive and am afraid to book doctor's appointments or leave before my bosses do. I live my life like it matters more than my job.

So what if I choose to do that now?

I do declare.

That today.

Katie is #1.

Work is #2.

And that is how I will strive to operate from now on.

x

 

 

 

 

Dealing with disapproval at work

Not everyone is going to like you all of the time (and that's okay).

I want to talk about our relationships at work. As I'm getting ready to start a new job, I'll be working with new people. I can't help but worry about the unknowns of how we'll relate to one another: will they trust me or micro-manage? Will we butt heads? Will our styles align or misalign? How will we handle conflict? 

As a recovering people pleaser / perfectionist, I want all of my new co-workers (superiors and otherwise) to like me all of the time and approve of everything I do. But, I've learned that not only is this not realistic in the workplace, it shouldn't be what we strive for. Striving to be liked all of the time doesn't 1. produce the best work and 2. allow for us to honor our own needs. This is a big shift from what we're taught in school: do everything according to the rules and you'll get good grades. Be liked by your teachers. Do as authority tells you to and you'll succeed.

Work is different: it's a dance, a constant negotiation. Sometimes we are in perfect alignment with those around us, other times we are pushing for a different agenda. 

I'll give an example. At Freshpet, I had a different style than many of my bosses (a more "millennial" style, if you will). Because of this, I had a different point of view on time off. My boss and I often butted heads about this, and once got in an argument about a time off request. My perfectionist tendencies caused me to feel very upset by this -- I was worried and upset by his disapproval, but conflicted because I also really wanted my freedom to take that extra few vacation days as long as my work was getting done. 

Here's where the lesson came in: my boss taught me that it's okay if your team isn't thrilled by everything that you do all of the time. He used the metaphor of a bank. The more good will that you accumulate (through good work, etc), the more is deposited into your account. And when you do something that pisses someone off or that someone doesn't agree with, a little is withdrawn. But the idea is that there is such a solid foundation of good within the bank that just because a bit is lost doesn't mean that the scales are tipped in a negative direction. 

Work is so much of where our lives are lived -- where we show all parts of ourselves. The deposits and withdrawals are a natural part of the day to day in any area that is so pervasive. As long as the balance doesn't fall below zero, we are okay. 

I have to remind myself of this often. When I do, I'm reminded that my only real job in life is to show up and do the best I can for my work and for myself. Sometimes I will be celebrated, sometimes I will be met with disapproval. But as long as I feel good about the choices I am making, and as long as I'm building up that account of good will, I know that I'm doing well. 

x

What are you trying to prove?

Once upon a time I was 26 years old and in love with someone. I say someone because it was one of those serious but not serious "we're exclusive but we're not in a relationship" kind of relationships that only the 21st century can provide.

I was desperate for him to call me his girlfriend. I badgered him about it endlessly. 
Eventually it ended (and kick-started my journey to becoming the highly feeling beast writing to you right now). Not because I ended it because I decided to hold my own needs and integrity higher than my need for his acceptance, I am sad to admit. But because he knew he wasn't giving me what I needed but wouldn't really ask for.

Fast forward (almost) 5 years. 

My dating life is healthier than it has ever been.

and yet... I am still chasing the title. 
I want so desperately for someone to call me their "girlfriend." 
To prove to myself and the people around me that I can. 
That I am not broken.
That I deserve to be someone's girlfriend.
That I am more than the "close but not quite enough to really give my all to" girl. 
And while this isn't the most conscious driver of my behavior, it is subconsciously driving my actions (and my anxieties).

The problem with striving to prove something is that it reveals a disempowering belief about yourself. In this case, it reveals that I still don't truly believe that I can be treated the way I want to be treated in romantic love. And what you believe is what you get.

The good news about this revelation is that through awareness, I have the power to break this belief down and shift it. I can examine where this comes from, if it's really true (it's not) and can play with other more positive thoughts to shut this one down. I can see where and how I am striving for the title and step away from those behaviors or situations. I can loosen my damn grip on this and let the fuck go. And I can see what this behavior change enacts in my life.

I can break the wheel and strive for something better.

Because in the end, you don't have to prove anything to anyone (especially yourself) to have what you want.

So ask yourself... what am I trying to prove (to myself, to others)?
Why am I trying to prove it? And how can I believe that I already deserve that instead, right now?

x

KT
 

Who gives a shit about "owning your power"?

... is what I would say to myself when I would come across this topic in other coaches' emails, social posts, books. I mean, sure, personal power is great. But I just didn't understand it. There are so many other fish to fry outside of feeling "powerful." And is it even possible to be "in your power" all the time? What would that even look like? What did it even mean?

uuuuuuntil today. 

Let me back up a bit. 

I'm doing something that feels scary to me tonight: I am taking part in the recital for my voice studio. I haven't really sung in front of a large group of people in... probably 14 years. Which is insane, but it's true and here we are.

We had rehearsal this afternoon. If you're following the blog, you know that my journey back to singing has not been easy. But I've made great strides and am actually really enjoying singing again. Again is a key word here. You see, I've put so much pressure on myself to overcome the tension in my body that is coming up from nerves and from trying too hard, that for a while, I couldn't sing and actually enjoy it. I was choosing to succumb to the belief that my body just was no longer trained to sing and that I could never break down its tense, tense facad. WOE WAS ME THE VICTIM NO LONGER ABLE TO SING FREELY.

So rehearsal. I went. On the way I got a text from a person I'm dating (where I tend to give most of my power up all willy nilly) that he probably can't make it tonight. I felt so disappointed. I went up and sang. I was nervous. It was hard. I was trying too hard. As usual. I wasn't letting myself just have fun. I was barely tapping into the feeling of the VERY (ironically) powerful song I was singing.

Because I had already given my power away. 

Giving your power away is choosing to believe that you are governed by something else. It could be a person, a circumstance, an X factor. For me, it was choosing to believe that my body, the circumstances of living in New York, and the 14 years between me and the last performance I gave were in charge. I didn't get to choose if I would have fun. I was the victim.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS (and there is always good news) - is we can get our power back. AND OH HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS. 

So here's what I'm doing:

I have a bunch of crystals that I think are powerful, so I'll be squeezing the shit out of them.

I'm listening to my power bitch playlist.

Instead of getting sad and feeling defeated, I'm GETTING ANGRY (which, contrary to popular wellness belief, is a really positive emotion and can tap that inner power right up).

I'm asking for what I need. I'm at work right now (sorry, work!) but I'm writing this because I NEED TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF. 

I'm reaching out to friends who help bring me back into reality and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I'm eating a Reeses and drinking a coffee because WHY NOT.

And you damn well better believe I will be singing my big, powerful, angry song in the most angry way I can muster.

Wish me luck.

x

KT

P.S. I am surprised to be saying this, but personal power MAY ACTUALLY BE THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING. The jury is out, but I think Bryce and I are on to something.

You're spiraling: now what?

I'm writing this in the midst of a spiral of my own. If you're feeling similarly, first and foremost, keep in mind that there is a crazy energy-shift in the air due to the Spring equinox/full moon/mercury retrograde. So a lot of people are feeling this way right now. But even if you aren't, we all have those moments. So here's what to do about it.

How do you know if you're spiraling?

I use a lot of words to describe this feeling - triggered, spiraling, overly anxious, "struggling," "in a bad place," depressed, emotionally overwhelmed. But here's the general gist of my experience when I'm spiraling:

My anxiety levels feel through the roof, with few breaks in the general hum of anxiety. For me, this feels like heightened tension in my shoulders and gut, a distinctive tight feeling in my chest, heightened cardiovascular levels. My body is in its old fight or flight thing.

I replay negative moments/thoughts over the course of the day - I am buying into their story.

I feel heaviness in my heart and it feels like it is closing off. 

I worry if this is going to be my new normal and spiral harder. Things that I usually brush off in stride feel bigger than usual. I start to literally question if I am going crazy. My mind feels like it is attacking me and/or I'm having a mental fever. BASICALLY, IT SUCKS and it can last for a little while (a few days, more than that... you know. ick!). 

The worst part about spiraling is it's SO EASY TO GET SUCKED IN AND FORGET EVERYTHING POSITIVE YOU'VE LEARNED TO COMBAT IT. You experience a form of temporary insanity. It almost feels like you've stepped into a past version of yourself (because you kind of have). 

SO WHAT DO WE DO? 

1. Recognize that your spiraling isn't your fault - your old wounds are triggered.

One thing I know for sure (which is backed up in lots of research and spiritual teachings): when you are spiraling, it's really easy to place a TON of blame on yourself. But IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your old wounds are being "triggered" by external circumstances. Spiraling is a sign that there is something more to heal within you. 

A LOT of spiritual practices / energy work etc. talk about old wounds. Basically, when we experience something particularly painful, sometimes we don't let it go. We don't let it pass through our body (consciously or unconsciously). And so it gets stuck there. There are tons of words / metaphors for this: in hinduism they call this trapped negative energy Sanskara. Many teachers refer to this as hardening / layering on top of our heart. Some call them pain bodies. But whatever you choose to call them, there are a few things we need to be aware of:

1. Everyone has them,

2. we're often not really aware of them until they are triggered (that is, something provokes them and that feeling re-awakens),

and 3. they take work to release.

SO, when you're finding yourself spiraling down into a dark place, it's first and foremost important to recognize and name the fact that you're spiraling because of something inside of you that isn't healed. And that is OK. We all have things that we need to heal. You're not broken, you're not crazy, but you got some excess pain you gotta get out of there. And because you're human, this will happen. 

2. PRACTICE RADICAL SELF CARE

When we're spiraling it's easy to want to just power through and go into beast mode to "fix everything." THIS IS A TRAP. Spirals LOVE THAT it gives them more fuel! Instead, go into radical self care mode. Listen to what your body needs and GIVE IT TO IT. Cook yourself some delicious food (and ask yourself: do I want something healthy? Am I looking for comfort food?). Rest. Drink lots of water and tea. Exercise or take a walk. Read. Write. Meditate. Sleep. Tap into your creativity. Have a great conversation with a friend. Get a massage. Basically, slow down and care for yourself. Your soul and your body are basically begging for it. 

3. REMEMBER WHAT YOU KNOW

Since triggers are based on old pain, the "person" being triggered is actually a younger version of ourselves. So, our reactions tend to come from and sound like that younger self. It can almost feel like you've stepped back into the past or are regressing. Which often ain't pretty.

But the good news is that you are NOT your younger self today, and you have lots of tools that he or she didn't have. The work is to make sure you don't forget that in the moment, which can be tough. Remind yourself that you have better ways to cope with these feelings and give yourself the space to tap into your wisdom (meditation, journaling, revisiting a favorite book or teacher etc can help). Then, put those tools to work!

A good example of that is THIS EMAIL. I always forget everything I know when I am in a bad place. It actually drives me nuts when I remember again a few days later. But this morning, it all came back to me. Something inside pushed me to open Good Sex by Jessica Graham, and low and behold, there it was: a chapter about triggers. Which snapped me back out of my self-blame spiral and reminded me that this wasn't my fault at all. A revelation.

4. CALL ON YOUR PEEPS

You never have to deal with the darkness on your own, nor should you. This week I've got stuff lined up with my coach, acupuncturist, and my best best friends. I'm going to have dinner with my parents tonight. I am leaning into my tribe, the folks who know me and support me the best and who I really trust.

Asking for help can be hard, especially when we feel shame around what's coming up for us. But it's one of the fastest ways to get back to center - and to start healing those sanskaras. 

I really hope this is helpful and would love to hear from you: is this true to your experience? do you have other words of wisdom to share? and of course, I'm always here if you need to call on your tribe.

Thank you for hearing me. 

xx

KT

p.s sign-up for highly feeling emails here

 

New email series

Starting tomorrow, let's all feel stuff. I'm starting an email series and would love for you to join.

Subscribe to Feeling Highly

* indicates required

LOVE IS A FEELINGS EXPLOSION THAT WE SOMETIMES HATE

The early stages of falling for someone are accompanied by all the feels. 

Which is completely and utterly normal, maddening as it may feel.

Those early days can be the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. One moment we are in our lover's arms feeling the most joy we've felt in ages. The next, we are staring at our phone screen wondering when the next text will come in. We sit with baited breath waiting for the next invitation to spend time together. We question ourselves, we question them, we analyze actions, conversations, things unsaid and undone. In one moment, we are confident in our love and in the next we are terrified that our love will never amount to anything.

But we hate the feeling of uncertainty. We hate feeling vulnerable. And we HATE getting hurt with the fire of 1000 suns. 

So what do we do?

We shut off. We hedge. We hide. We pretend. We close down and keep our feelings to ourselves. We try our best to keep it cool. We play into the bullshit stories that our wounded parts concoct. We try to put ourselves at ease by questioning our lover's intentions in hopes of making a quick evaluation and getting the hell out of there if there is the slightest chance of pain in the future.

Love is highly charged, babies.

It's highly charged for many of us.

And the best thing that we can do in this stage is to STAY OPEN. As much as your mind may be telling you to close and keep yourself safe, DON'T. 

To fall in love, you have to actually let yourself fall. Let your heart open. Stay open. Show yourself. And allow.

Ask yourself "where am I trying to self-protect?" and take notice of that.

And while your mind will be screaming at you to DO something, to figure this out, the only thing you really need to do is surrender- and maybe also listen to the words of your beautiful, steady heart. Which, you may need to get very quiet to do. Because all of the other parts of you are prone to screaming.

She will guide the way.

x

Screen Shot 2018-02-18 at 1.52.38 PM.png

We make everything about us

You know what I'm talking about.

Someone doesn't text, and we're positive it's because they're not that into us anymore.

We don't get the job or make the team, and it's because we're not skilled enough.

Our friend seems a bit cold, and we assume they are angry at us.

I was going to put a positive example of this but couldn't even think of one. Most of this time this happens when something negative happens to us.

One of my clients introduced me (my clients are brilliant) to the psychological concept behind this. I couldn't find the ACTUAL principle in the 2 minutes I allowed myself to google this, so I will attempt to summarize.

Something bad happens to you - let's say you fail a test in school.

You can handle this one of two ways: you can treat it as situational (ie. I failed the test); or, you can take the failure as a statement about yourself (ie. I am a failure, I am bad at math, etc). Many of us default to the latter and build up stories about ourselves and what we can and cannot do. But what if we were to look at all of the happenings in our lives, good and bad, as situational? What if we always believed that no matter what happened, we had the power to choose WHO we were and HOW we'd show up in the world? In reality, you could have failed the test for a number of reasons: you didn't get enough sleep, your teacher didn't adequately explain the material, the list goes on. But so often we jump directly to some form of "I'm not good enough."

This lesson seems to come up for me a lot in life, as a huge feeler and a person who has fallen guilty to making almost everything personal many, many times. The good news is, the more it comes up, the more conscious of it I become, and the more I can make my own choices.

This week, I defied the not good enough monster.

I took voice lessons growing up for about 10 years. At one point, I even wanted to go to school for music. I decided against that for practical reasons and found myself at UVA my freshman year. I had been incredibly involved in music in my town and at my high school, and had established myself as one of the top talents there - which afforded me a lot of "winning" and external validation. When I went to UVA, I felt like a small fish in a big pond in a lot of ways, and that included musically. I wasn't a music major, so I didn't really feel part of the community in the same way that I did. I knew that I wanted to keep singing, but I didn't know what the best outlet would be for me. 

I decided to try out for an acapella group, I think because it seemed cool and social and there would still be singing in my life. I had never really sung much acapella - which is singing without instrumental backing, and honestly requires a different type of skill set than what I was used to. I didn't get into the group- or even a call back. And I never really sang much again after that.

I know what you're thinking - I GAVE UP 10 YEARS OF SINGING JUST LIKE THAT? I wish that I hadn't, but I'm embarrassed to say that I essentially did with the exception of a few lessons here and there.

Fast forward to life in New York. I barely sing anymore. I've decided that I am okay, but not nearly as good as I once thought I was. I have no musical outlet. That part of me, I've decided, is in the past. I couldn't cut it outside of my small pond.

My friend Bryce (of course, who else - if you read this blog you probably think Bryce is my only friend) convinced me to try voice lessons in the city with someone he knew two or three years ago. I went, but couldn't get over the demons inside of me that told me I wasn't good enough and would never be as good as I once was. I gave up after two lessons.

UNTIL. 

Last night.

I went back to Clint.

And my lesson was amazing.

And it felt so good.

And I really spilled it all: my background, what I am hoping for, why I stopped singing. 

To which he said "well, that could have been anything right? You weren't even a musical theater major. It probably had nothing to do with you." 

And then reminded me of how great my voice sounded.

That hit me hard, y'all. 

IT PROBABLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

But for almost 14 years, I have been telling myself it was ALL ME.

And that I wasn't good enough.

How about that?

I'm going back in two weeks.

x

kt

 

 

I'm in love

....with myself!

You're probably having one of two reactions right now:

"Tyson, way to click bait me." - to which I say, got ya!

or

utter eye-roll with a slight tinge of repulsion followed by curiosity.

We are not generally taught to love ourselves, and DEFINITELY not taught to make declarative statements about being "in love" with ourselves.

And yet last night, I had the most profound realization. I felt brimming with excitement. My heart was open. I felt tingly and warm inside. It felt a bit like love, but I wasn't sure where it was coming from.

I  had done a lot of self stuff that day. I did my CBD tincture. I meditated. I got a little acupuncture done at work because Casper is awesome. I went to a mantra-based workout class (naturally). I roasted myself some veggies and sweet potatoes. I vision-boarded. And when I got in bed that night, I just felt so. thankful. to. be. alive. And so excited about my life.

And I realized. I did feel like I was in love. And for the first time, it was with me.

It felt like a revolution.

What can you do today to fall more in love with yourself? I am always here with suggestions!

x

Are we all just hedging?

It's recently come to my attention that I've been hedging in things that really matter to me. 

What is hedging, you ask?

I am borrowing this term from finance, which was my least favorite subject in comm school, so I will not explain it via that metaphor. You're welcome. 

How I want to explain it is in terms of our (you guessed it) feelings.

Hedging is when you don't let yourself go all in on something as a mode of self-protecting, or protecting others (which probably also circles back to self protection).

Hedging is really liking someone but continuing to date other people because you are afraid of not getting what you want.

Hedging is really liking someone but not committing because you're afraid one day you'll wake up and you will realize you can't give that person what they want.

Hedging is having one foot in your current job and one eye on any other potential job (like all the time).

Hedging is telling half of the truth and leaving the other half, the more revealing half, unsaid.

When it comes down to it, no matter what the reason, we hedge because we are scared. It is human nature to hedge. We are self-protectors after all. Bad feelings scare us.

But what would happen if we didn't hedge all the time?

Yes, we would open ourselves up to fear. Yes, we might get hurt more often. Yes, we might hurt others, too. But, we might win bigger. We might express ourselves in ways we never have before. We might find out new things about ourselves and the world.

We might get what we've always wanted.

x