What are you trying to prove?

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Once upon a time I was 26 years old and in love with someone. I say someone because it was one of those serious but not serious "we're exclusive but we're not in a relationship" kind of relationships that only the 21st century can provide.

I was desperate for him to call me his girlfriend. I badgered him about it endlessly. 
Eventually it ended (and kick-started my journey to becoming the highly feeling beast writing to you right now). Not because I ended it because I decided to hold my own needs and integrity higher than my need for his acceptance, I am sad to admit. But because he knew he wasn't giving me what I needed but wouldn't really ask for.

Fast forward (almost) 5 years. 

My dating life is healthier than it has ever been.

and yet... I am still chasing the title. 
I want so desperately for someone to call me their "girlfriend." 
To prove to myself and the people around me that I can. 
That I am not broken.
That I deserve to be someone's girlfriend.
That I am more than the "close but not quite enough to really give my all to" girl. 
And while this isn't the most conscious driver of my behavior, it is subconsciously driving my actions (and my anxieties).

The problem with striving to prove something is that it reveals a disempowering belief about yourself. In this case, it reveals that I still don't truly believe that I can be treated the way I want to be treated in romantic love. And what you believe is what you get.

The good news about this revelation is that through awareness, I have the power to break this belief down and shift it. I can examine where this comes from, if it's really true (it's not) and can play with other more positive thoughts to shut this one down. I can see where and how I am striving for the title and step away from those behaviors or situations. I can loosen my damn grip on this and let the fuck go. And I can see what this behavior change enacts in my life.

I can break the wheel and strive for something better.

Because in the end, you don't have to prove anything to anyone (especially yourself) to have what you want.

So ask yourself... what am I trying to prove (to myself, to others)?
Why am I trying to prove it? And how can I believe that I already deserve that instead, right now?

x

KT