I received this email this morning from the lovely Jamie Greenwood, and it really speaks to a theme that I'm finding myself facing at the moment. She wrote:
“Just tell me!”, I pleaded.
“I can’t, my love. There’s no more thinking to be done,” she said.
“No really,” I begged. “There must be a structure, an outline, a plan to follow. Others have come before. There must be a right way!”
“Yes,” she said, “Others have. And the “rightness” of their path, as with each, is personal. Not universal.
“You must venture out. Test. Play. Slow. Sprint. Feel. Open. Pray to the heavens fall to the ground come up with nothing and go again, until the foundation under your feet firms until the light rims the clouds as bright, golden thread, until you weep and laugh, together, for nothing and everything, until the voice, your divine voice, rises from the shelter behind your sternum, golden itself to say, ‘I’ve been waiting for you. Take my hand, my dear, and we’ll travel together the rest of the way.’
“And when will THAT happen?” I pressed.
“When you trust,” she said.
I think we all know that feeling: the challenge of WAITING for the thing you most desire to happen to you. Whether it seems that life keeps putting mountains in the way of achieving it, or you just feel like you lack control, it can be one of the most uncomfortable experiences life throws at us.
Most of my adult life has felt like an endless waiting room in line for my own personal 'white whale': the love of my life. And as time goes on, it's easy to replace what was once hopefuly exuberance with fear and impatience. I'm fearful of never finding the deep, lasting love I crave. I’m afraid if I don’t, my life will be perceived as a failure- by myself, and by my peers. I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough, doing too much, and am generally unable to move myself forward.
In that fear, I feel powerless and volatile, easily thrown back and forth from faith to fear by external circumstances.
But despite my struggles with patience, I'm beginning to realize that it isn't giving up or losing. It's trusting in grace.
Last week I went to see an astrologer with co-workers, an outing that we had planned for "fun." The two women who went with me are both solidified in deep, close-to-married relationships with their partners, and their chart readings matched up to that quite neatly. Mine, however, felt like a setback. The astrologer opened my charts and immediately asked me if I was single. After a series of concerned clucks, she mentioned that my "7th house of relationships" is plagued by Uranus until 2018, meaning that I will essentially not find a committed love until then. "I used to curse and curse and curse Uranus," she cried. "but, better than to start a marriage that will end in divorce." She encouraged me to work on myself (umm... haven't I been doing that already?), and to watch out for people who aren't who they say they are. Great.
To say this news wasn't thrilling is obvious.
I felt at once both vindicated (ah, so this is why my ex wouldn't commit!) and terrified (I have to wait four years to meet the one?! I'll be 31!). My trust in the universe shattered.
I felt myself on the verge of complete panic at times. The universe was CONSPIRING to keep me from finding a mate until 2018. I was a victim! It wasn't fair. How could I survive in "unconventional" relationships, or worse, ALONE, for four more years?!
Then I realized... I have a choice. Well, two choices in this case.
1. I can choose my beliefs.
I can choose to believe the astrologer's unhappy news. I can choose to believe that I am powerless to the universe. I can choose to be completely and utterly afraid that the next four years of my life are going to be difficult in love.
OR- I can have faith. I can believe in my own personal power, and the power of the universe to support me in my intentions. I can go inward rather than defining my belief system by what others say.
2. I can let patience flow through faith and grace.
I can fight against my own impatience and continue to berate myself for not finding love yet.
OR- I can trust that love is coming, and find pleasure in the patience. I can let go of fear and worry that I'm not deserving of amazing love as I am. I can love myself fully and commit to the belief that a wonderful and loving relationship is coming to me, guaranteed.
It's EASY to believe in what other's tell you.
It's BRAVE to choose to believe in your story and to put trust and faith in yourself.
So today, I choose not to believe in what the astrologist said.
I choose to believe in love.
I choose to have faith.
I choose to trust in me, and in a higher power that leads me to bliss each day.
Not in some limitations imposed by my birth coordinates and planetary... stuff. Not fear of the unknown. And certainly not fear of what others want me to believe.
I trust that when it happens, whether in one year or four or ten, it will have been for a real, true, and positive reason. It will be part of the perfect path of my life.