Fighting the Mean Bitch: Where I get really honest about body image

It's no secret that as women, we all have a chip on our shoulders about our body image. Some chips are larger than others, and mine have been gargantuan at times. I've worked really, really hard to get to a healthy place with how I feel about my shape and size, and I would say at this point, I'm happy with who I am and how I look 85% of the time. But, that other 15% can be BRUTAL. Most of the time that 15% comes into play when I'm feeling out of balance. When I'm tired, I suffer. As much as I like to go out and socialize as much as possible, if I don't give myself at least one night of me time and lots of rest, I feel out of sorts and less well equipped to fight the anxiety monster. The bottom line: when I'm cranky, I criticize myself. Sometimes it's really hard to maintain the balance, especially when I'm feeling pulled in 100 directions and don't want to let anyone, or myself, down. But taking a step back is crucial. And if I don't, I end up in a bad spiral, with that Mean Bitch in my Brain singing a chorus of "oh my goodness, my stomach looks bloated" or "oh man, I really need to put in a harder work out, I've been too easy on myself" or "my arm looks SO FAT in that picture!" And with that soundtrack playing, it's almost impossible to feel good about yourself.

I've come a LONG, LONG way. I exercise, but in moderation. I don't beat myself up when I miss a day at the gym. I speak kindly to myself, with loving eyes, as much as possible. I don't worry about dieting, but I integrate healthy foods that make me feel nourished without restricting myself entirely. I take time to be active in ways I enjoy, without a rigid "30 minute" limit: citibike, long walks, and soul cycle are three of my favorites. I fight the urge to compare my body to others. And I feel good, most of the time. But, every once in a while, I fall back into the Mean Bitch soundtrack. Last week was one of those once in a whiles.

Luckily, I was able to mostly shake it off, but I did notice something this morning that I think can be a helpful tool for women having an "I feel fat and I don't know how to stop criticizing myself" day, week, month, or even moment.

I'm in the midst of an E-cubed experiment that focuses on changing our tune when we wake up in the morning. If you haven't read E-squared or E-cubed, I highly encourage it! The books are an amazing example of the power we all possess, and our innate capacity for miracles. So today, I was extra mindful of my wake up routine -- and I noticed something KIND OF AWFUL. Each morning before getting in the shower, I do a quick "how do I look" evaluation on my body. I check to see how bloated I feel, how flat my stomach is looking that day, & anything else that I might be concerned about.

What I realized: Basically, I'm starting each day reinforcing my fears and concerns about weight gain. I'm continually emphasizing a limiting belief that skinniness is fleeting and can change at any moment, from one day to the next. And, I can tell you that the days I'm looking at myself with fear in my eyes, I'll find something to feel bad about. Why would I want to set the tone for my entire day this way?

Today, I instead started my day by saying "Thank You." I put on one of my favorite happy jams ("Classic" by The Knocks), I danced in the shower, I sang, I pumped my fists. I celebrated the joy of the day. And, I did my best to not feel the need to look in the mirror and make sure I hadn't gained 5 pounds overnight.

And I can tell you that today I feel like myself. I feel grateful, I feel fit, and I feel comfortable and happy.

And that's about as much as I can hope for.

The bitch has been silenced.

x

What I Gained

If you know me, you know that I'm very, very open to all kinds of self help and exploration, and have dabbled in just about everything. I think it feeds my curious soul, intellectual need to dig in, and also my somewhat perfectionistic tendencies [which I am working on!]. So. Lately this is manifesting itself in seeing a life coach, whom I actually really love! More on that another time.

In a recent discussion, she suggested that I change the tune about my break-up by focusing on my gratitudes for the relationship and what I can say I've learned and gained from the experience. She says, and I agree, that all relationships are put into our lives for a reason, so while this one didn't end up being the end all, be all, there is certainly much to gain from the experience.

Here are the things that I gained:

1. The confidence to try new things and put myself out there

If there is one thing my ex is great at, it is just going with it - meeting new people, going to all kinds of events with or without company, he's pretty much down to try anything. I've always been much more reserved and nervous about making myself feel vulnerable in new situations, but he inspired me to get out there and try, to not be afraid to make a connection with a stranger or do something that is out of my comfort zone. And the more I try, the more I see it's not such a scary world after all.

2. New musical interests

Music was a huge part of our relationship, and we both have a lot in common in terms of musical preferences. However, I can easily say that dating introduced me to some of my favorite artists and podcasts. Especially Daft Punk!

3. A boost towards greater self-love- and the start of a journey

When we were together, I felt better about myself than I had in a long time- I think because I started to see myself the way that he saw me. I'm now striving to see myself that way without needing outside validation, but I really believe that he boosted me into feeling like more of a beautiful, interesting, and impressive person than I had felt before. And while it was incredibly difficult, our break-up catapulted a lot of self learning, and a lot of really important exploration for me. I don't know if I would have ever found such important resilience, spiritual growth, and tools to cultivate self love. I'm still learning and growing, but in ways I couldn't have imagined on my own.

4. The knowledge I have the capacity to really, truly love - and go the distance for it.

I had ended all of my previous serious relationships, because after a while, I realized the love wasn't lasting or there for me anymore- but often only after quite a long time of trying to force it and/or beating myself up. I was really hard on myself for walking away from great guys, and thought there was something wrong with me - that maybe I'd never fully be able to feel the kind of love that doesn't waiver. I was pretty young and naive at that time, with a lot of self struggle to overcome, but I definitely learned in this situation what real love feels like, and how I want to feel [and THEN SOME!] with the person I end up with. Love takes work, you have to really be willing to give it your all, and now I know that I can.

5. Love for Los Angeles and some wonderful memories

Not much color commentary to add here- my visits to LA were some of my favorite, I'll always look back on them fondly. I built a bond with a city I didn't think I'd ever really care for.

6. A tough, but important lesson that [to get all Above and Beyond-y on you], love is not enough sometimes.

I have always been under the single-minded belief that love conquers all, is the most important thing, etc. etc. And while I still very much believe in the power of love (what up, Celine?), I now know that that emotional connection isn't a fix all. It doesn't mean that fundamental issues like not wanting the same things in life will magically fade away. It doesn't change a person, fundamentally. It isn't as easy as love at first sight-- though it certainly can be, when it's the right person.

7. Incredible depth of friendship [& how important that is to me]

One of the areas where my ex and I really differ is in depth of friendship -- he has many, many friends and tries to spend his time equally, I tend to stick more to my core group of friends and value building deeper emotional connections and shared memories. In reflecting on this, I've learned just how important and how satisfying these relationships are in my life. Also, I can't say enough how floored I was and continue to be by the incredible love and support friends and family have shown me through this challenge. I am so, so lucky, and the depths of my friendships continue to grow, even more so because of this experience. I love you all!!

8. That it's important to set personal boundaries, and stand up for ME.

As women, I think we've all heard the old adage that men like to do the chasing, that we should be laid back and act aloof and let them come around to realizing how much they need us in their lives. FUCK. THAT. Honestly, I can and probably will write a diatribe about this ridiculous school of thought, holding women back from being themselves and feeling that they can express their needs. But I'll save that for later. What I can say is that - the entire time that I was with my ex, he refused to call me his girlfriend. And I wasn't okay with that, but I made myself be okay with it. I figured that as long as he was good to me and played the part, the words didn't matter and would come in time. I now know that it's incredibly important to set boundaries and to express my needs. It may not have kept him around for longer, but I would have wasted a lot less time on a person who wasn't willing to meet me halfway. Today, I value and respect ME, and trust myself to set boundaries and listen to my heart.