Digging deep for the Lesson

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One of my favorite things about the self work I've been doing is trying out all of the little tools and tid bits that many authors/experts share. It's pretty empowering and awe inspiring to put one into action and see results, to really start to feel a shift. Even those that at first sound silly or daunting or even impossible can make a difference. It starts with being brave, letting go of judgements, and jumping in. Today's post is about one of the tools I picked up at the Mastin event a little over a week ago. Mastin spoke about how often when something bad or even something unsatisfactory happens to us, we tend to fall into the classic question: Why. Why is this happening to me, why would he/her/they do this to me, why would God let this happen? But these questions only leave us feeling victimized, and perpetuate a circle of negativity, lack, and the idea that we are not in control of our lives.

Instead, Mastin suggests to look for the lesson in the harder moments of our lives. Shifting from the victim from the empowered: what is the universe teaching me? What can I learn from this? What am I gaining?

This really resonated with me because it was a tool that I had employed once before with great results. Caroline, my life coach guru, suggested that I flip the switch on my internal dialogue about being heart broken and instead put together a list of all of the things I gained from the experience. I did just that, and really found it to be transformational--- it helped me to start to let go of the helplessness and the anger, and start to look for the positive in the experience, to feel hope. At the time, it hadn't yet come full circle that this was a tool I could use in every day life. I thought it was just something to help me release my ex. Now, I understand it can be applied to most situations to help maintain the gentle hum of faith.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to apply this tool to my previous blog post.

For a bit of background, a little over a week ago I had to travel to LA for work. LA is where I fell in love with my ex, and that experience is really the only context I have for that city. It was tough to be back there, flooded with memories that I really miss. I found myself in my hotel room that night, exhausted and sad, wondering why I was facing this experience at this moment. We had broken up a year ago almost to the day. I had worked so hard on myself, on moving on and growing forward in more ways than one. I couldn't help but ask myself: why am I still here? Why do I still feel sad? Why am I unable to move on? Why couldn't those wonderful experiences of my past still be in my present life?

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What's amazing: you ask for the lesson, and the universe gives it to you.

I was writing this post with the intention of working through what I thought the lesson could be, hoping that it would eventually come to me. Instead, the universe delivered a nail on the head lesson.

I ran into my ex today outside of my apartment, after a year of never having a run in in our neighborhood.

The lesson, after that, was pretty clear: I'm ready. I'm strong, I've grown into a really happy person, living a life that I love. And it isn't dependent on another person, it's dependent on me. I've got a good story to tell these days, and I'm no longer looking to fill voids with someone else's accomplishments. The areas in my life in which I felt most inadequate were areas were my ex really shined, in many ways I was so proud to be with him because it helped me to fill up the places where I needed filling. Where I wished my life could be better. Now, I realize that I was never inadequate in those areas at all, and that what I have is more than enough. I've realized that I've been the person I wished I was all along, I possess the qualities that I so admired in him too.

So while it's hard to be reminded of loving memories and feelings because I still really want these things, the truth is, the sadness is no longer tied to him. It's the sadness of missing the experience of falling in love. And that's an experience that I have full faith I will have again in life. In a way that is bigger than I could imagine.

One year later & facing my fears

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Last night, I went to a workshop hosted by Mastin Kipp as part of the launch of his new book, Growing in Grace. I've been following his "blog"/spiritual guidepostings called Daily Love for a few months now, and thought it would be a good opportunity to see one of my many teachers speak in person. And, as these things tend to, the themes were right on point for what was going on in my life.

Mastin spoke a lot about the power of pulling through your fear, of being brave and moving through discomfort towards growth. The kind of growth that changes you and moves you closer to your calling. He says fear is part of the human experience, not something to be suppressed but to be sought out as a way to push ourselves further than we ever thought possible. As it turns out, today I am facing one of my fears. I am back in Los Angeles after a heartbreaking, challenging, demanding and inspiring year.

LA is where I fell in love. For me, it is a keeper of beautiful memories, where the impossible was made possible, my wildest dreams turned into reality, and where I found luck I'd never thought I could deserve. It's a bit painful to live in those memories even now. In honesty, I've been petrified to come back.

So, one year later, after all of the life changing stuff that a break up brings you through... I find myself here.

I know that the universe is telling me it's time to let go, to barrel through this fear, to make new memories and continue to forge my new life.

And as my girl Oprah says "God didn't bring you this far just to leave you."

I am listening. I hear you.

But, even now. My heart breaks again.

I miss it so. I miss those days, I miss falling endlessly in love, I miss feeling so damn connected and lucky. I miss the magic. And oh, was it magic. 

Even though I'm probably the happiest (uncircumstantially, anyway) I've ever been, I can't quite shake that longing.

Because once you've had it, you know what you're missing.

x

 

Gratitudes #14

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Attitude of Gratitude time! 1. I'm finally having a night in after my vacation and lots and lots of catching up with friends. Laundry, cooking, and watching the Emmy's never felt so good. 2. We saw a first cut of our new TV spots today, and the work is turning out amazingly. I'm really, really proud to be part of it and can't wait to see how people react. The spots are beautiful and I think the content online will be even better. 3. Great weekend with wonderful friends. We celebrated my friend Jilly's 30th birthday and it was a blast- hence the need to rest today. & sooooo many good pics. 4. Getting to spend time with my family yesterday- and sharing lots and lots of stories about our adventures in Europe. And beautiful weather hanging by the tiki bar. 5. I had a really nice walk home today- couldn't find a Citi Bike unfortunately, but it ended up being really nice to just strolling, listening to music, and checking out the remains of the Union Square Green Market. 6. Early meetings = early ubers & a breezy commute. I am getting this on time thing down ;) 7. Soul night tonight- day 11 of the new 21 day meditation challenge, a new book to read, and a few writing exercises. Time to get that bliss. 8. Running into a friend on the street- and feeling really, truly authentic. I mean- how can you not be when you're carrying 6 bags, after walking around the city for an hour? **The more I am who I really am...

xx

T-Swift Gets It (+ new Bliss Beat!)

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I have been a huge fan of Taylor Swift for a long time now (old ladies who love T representing at three concerts now!), mostly because I think she's a very talented song writer and a strong role model. She's a breath of fresh air in an over-sexed, overly perfect world of singers exuding the traits that young women think they need to live up to to be cool, desired, & respected. And she's damn smart. Her songs are successful because they really resonate with a generation of women and young girls going through the things she writes about. She's accessible. She's had similar struggles. And most importantly, she's authentic, and her authenticity and quirkiness are what make her universally loved.

Shake It Off is just another example of her message: be yourself, love who you are, and you will shine brighter. Who cares what other people think, as long as you're having fun and expressing your joy. Even if you can't "dance," or you're kind of goofy, or you're _________. You are you, and that's who you're here to be.

It's a message that young girls these days really need to hear. <3

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM]

Bliss Beats: Lazerdisk EP "Melange"

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Absolutely love this EP. It's fun & funky - the way great music is headed these days. Plus one of the tracks features The Knocks. Enjoy! xx  

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Bliss Inspiration: Like a Girl

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If you haven't seen it by now, Always' new campaign #LikeaGirl is a brilliantly moving piece about the power of stereotypes in our society. As someone who works in marketing I'm always a fan of pieces that strike on a really powerful insight, especially one that can spark positive change. And female empowerment/self-esteem issues are definitely right in my wheelhouse of "Things that make me REALLY PASSIONATE." So, yes, this video made me cry. [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJQBjWYDTs]

 

What really resonated with me is the connection it made to some of the work I'm doing in my own life. In one of the first meetings I had with Caroline, my ever-brilliant life cheerleader, we did an exercise where we rated ourselves on certain characteristics, one of which was femininity. When we got there, I was awe struck. I'd never much thought about the subject, but when it came down to it, it was clear that I didn't seem myself as inherently feminine. Why?

Well... a laundry list of reasons. I thought that I didn't match up to what cultural norms have defined as feminine:

1. I am not dainty, small, or graceful

2. I am head strong, could be aggressive and opinionated, and more of a 'leader'

3. I am bold in life and love, I don't play games, I'm not 'coy,' I go after what I want

4. I am not immaculately put together

5. I am not particularly "virtuous" (sorry Mom!)

So basically... I still have an idea in my head that the "ideal" woman is a 1950s Stepford wife, or at least a tiny Southern Belle waiting around for prince charming (seriously, the idea of feminity to me is like a real life Thumbalina).

Which is just. insane. It's 2014. So much has progressed in terms of feminism and women's rights. So why hasn't our idea of "being feminine" changed? Why do we consider powerful women to be women exhibiting masculine qualities?

Always' certainly hit the nail on the head with stereotypes. And I will add two more to the mix: the idea of how women can and cannot behave in the workplace and in love.

These areas are some of the most deeply ingrained in me, and some that I struggle with most deeply, especially the area of love and dating-- which is where I'll choose to focus. Women suffer many, many stereotypes around how they choose to date, how much of their real selves and real agendas they reveal, and how "far" they choose to go with the men in their lives. COUNTLESS books, articles, conversations, TV shows, movies, and more cover this topic. It's everywhere. And it's a ridiculous standard that makes women feel guilty, out of control, and unworthy.

As someone who truly values the importance of love and finding a monogamous partner, it scares the shit out of me that I may forever screw up my chances because I am not "following the rules" as society dictates, because I don't act exactly as women are meant to act in courting situations. I don't pretend to be uninterested. I don't actively suppress my sexual needs based on how many men I'm "allowed" to sleep with per year [seriously, I know a lot of women who do]. Instead, I follow my heart, I stay true to myself, I express feelings genuinely.

And because of that, I often feel incredible guilt and anxiety. Even though I know what I'm doing is right for me, I'm afraid it's wrong by societal standards.

Which is why I am here, writing to you and continuing my practice of love and acceptance. Because it's time to break free of "who we're supposed to be" and accept all of who we are.

xx

Swatting away negativity flies

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I recently read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant, and wanted to share a learning that I gained from it. The book talks about the absolute power of self love, of looking at yourself with the same loving eyes you would a dear friend or family member. I've been working on upping my self-love quotient for some time now, and Kamal's process really struck a chord with me. He suggests that by changing our mental loop to one of positivity and self-love, we can in essence change our lives for the positive through the law of attraction. This idea isn't new. I've read it in pretty much every book I've sought out of late. But his suggestion is fairly radical in its simplicity. Kamal simply repeated the phrase "I love myself" over and over and over. He started a new mental loop, and though at times he struggled to believe the words he was saying, eventually his mantra began to work its magic. This week, I decided to put Kamal's tool into practice for myself. For me, it seemed like a particularly interesting idea to help battle the negative thoughts that fly into my brain, often multiple times per day. I've started to think of these thoughts as flies that need to be shooed out (or, aggressively swatted. Negativity is nothing but damaging). Many teachers suggest that consciousness is the first step to beating thoughts that don't serve us, and I absolutely agree. So, this week I focused on being mindful when a negative thought entered my brain. Instead of dwelling on the thought or trying to dissect it, this time, I leaned on the new mantra. I silently swatted the fly away, repeating "I love myself" mentally a few times until I felt focused and present.

And let me tell you - it worked! In just a few cycles of the mantra, I was able to feel more at ease. The more I practiced, the easier it became.

This is the most conscious effort I've made to observe my thoughts and adjust my mental frame of mind, and it's astounding how frequently thoughts that just aren't helpful come into my mind. SO much more than they should, thanks mostly in part to fear and anxiety. But I'm starting to feel like I have the power to change my thought patterns. And I think it can really, really stick.

Because when it comes down to it- why spend so much time in worry? Why beat myself up for things big and small?

My most important job is to love myself. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work at it. Hard.

It's time to break free. It's time to roll up the biggest, fattest magazine I have and whack the shit out of some flies.

Here goes nothing. xx

flyswatter

 

 

Gratitudes #9

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1. I had a fantastic weekend in Montauk with some of my best friends. The weather was absolutely perfect, and our house is incredible. We have a huge porch overlooking the town with gorgeous views- it might be one of my favorite houses we've stayed in together. We had lots of fun adventures at some of our favorite places, but my favorite part of the weekend was sitting on the porch with (many) glasses of Rose, reminiscing about our friendships. Many of us met in a share house four years ago, and have been close ever since, adding new friends along the way. It's such a special group to be part of and I'm particularly grateful to have such a kind, fun, and intelligent group of guy friends. 2. I get to work in the city tomorrow, which is always such a treat! And I'm very excited for the project that we're working on.

3. Good reading material never gets old for me. I downloaded quite a few books this weekend that I'm quickly powering through, both fiction & non-fiction. I am just finishing up Mastering Manifestation, and I'm excited to put some of the learnings into practice. For me, the idea of clearing out limiting beliefs in order to open yourself up to positive manifestations and beauty in life really rings true. I really think that many of us are holding ourselves back because of damaging beliefs ingrained within us at a young age, whether by society, culture, media, religion, peers, etc. I know that even the work I've done in this area to date seems to have made a huge difference and I truly believe this is beneficial, whether or not it will make me a powerful creator :P

4. GREAT. MUSIC. I will be posting a lot of my favorites from the past week tomorrow. So much good stuff for thirsty ears.

5. OINTB season finale was incredible. That's all I will say. When is Season 3 again? ... worth the wait.

6. Had a chill night tonight getting back on track with laundry and cooking, working out, etc. We're back to Montauk in a few days for the Fourth, so a catch-up day is really needed.

7. I've said this before but I will say it again-- in-unit washer dryer: Life changing.

8. I finally cleaned out my inbox while I was on a flight to Denver last week, which is something I've literally never done before and let me tell you - it feels incredibly liberating. I am obsessed. Going to keep this up.

Until tomorrow, friends!

Bliss Beats: Anjunabeats vol 11

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The boys behind Above & Beyond released Anjunabeats Volume 11 today, a collection of some of the most melodic, beautiful trance-ish releases of the year. Anjunabeats never disappoints, and I have high hopes for the new compilation. Plus, nothing brightens up a rainy day like soul-soothing beats, emotional lyrics, and airy vocals.

Check it out on Spotify or grab a copy today.

xx

  [spotify id="spotify:album:63CCluNcVM4wTPTjmJYnak" width="300" height="380" /]  

The Dear Abby Principle (aka universe please provide me guidance)

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rumi intuition When I first started exploring alternative spirituality, one of the first books that I read with a friend was E-squared, a collection of nine energy experiments meant to prove just how much you're connected to and able to manipulate the energy field that is our world.

To say it was a mind-blowing experience is an understatement. I would highly recommend the book and the experiments, and doing it with a friend! It was really fun to compare notes at the end of each experiment, most of which take only 48 hours or less.

One of the principles that has really stuck with me is The Dear Abby Principle. The idea is that you have access to unlimited guidance and answers from within, and relies heavily on intuition, which is an incredibly powerful idea in itself. To access this intuition, all you need to do is basically surrender your question to the universe and trust that the answer will come.

I have to say, this is a principle that I continue to enact and see results with when I have a tough decision to make. And currently, I am facing a fairly difficult one for me. I got invited to an engagement party / welcome to NYC party by a good friend of mine, and I really want to be there to celebrate the happiness. However, my ex is going to be there too... and I don't know if I'm ready to face him. I am really afraid of falling back down the rabbit hole of missing him, especially since I've made such great progress lately. I really don't see any upside in seeing him, but I don't want to let my friends down or miss out on their special moment. It's a joyous occasion that I wish wasn't in some ways tainted by the black cloud of my ex.

I've asked a lot of friends for advice on this, and as much as it's really great to talk it out, I think it's compounded my anxiety and really clouded my mind, creating a larger issue than it needs to be. So, universe, I surrender. I'm waiting for my clear, unquestionable answer.

Will report back!

xx

UPDATE: I really had to go with my gut on this one... and my gut SURPRISED ME! On Saturday I felt strong and safe enough to go, despite all of the advice against it. And well, it really worked out. I went to the party, spent about an hour there, and just as I was leaving, saw my ex from across the bar. We exchanged waves, I got out of there, and went about the rest of my evening unscathed.

It was pretty freeing to know that I could go and enjoy myself without fear, and also that I could see him and not be sent into a spiral of emotional turmoil.

So there you have it!

"What I'm studying is how much love there can be..."

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[ted id=1756]  

My good friend Sap sent me this Ted Talk, and I can't even tell you how much I loved it.

The talk really got me to thinking about my Grandfather, who is deaf and has been from a young age. He has an amazing spirit, and is very kind, thoughtful, and funny - however, I've always wondered about how his life would be better and how the depth of our relationship could grow were he to be able to hear. Yet, Andrew Solomun makes a great point: everyone has their own culture, in many cases because of their unique differences-- and they don't want to be "cured," per se, they want to be accepted for who they are.

When it comes down to it, isn't that true for all of us? We want to be embraced for who we are at our core, not 'fixed' and freed from our flaws. What makes us different brings light to all of the beauty around us, and teaches profound lessons in acceptance. One size does not fit all.

And as Andrew put it, "diversity of family strengthens the eco-system of kindness."

Gratitudes #8

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I haven't expressed my gratitudes in a bit, and I definitely am beginning to notice how easy it is to slip out of bliss mode without a gratitude practice. So, back on the gratitude train we go! Here are my gratitudes for this week, so far.

1. Today was a beautiful day- the sun was shining, and I got out of the city for a few hours and spent some time sitting in my parents' backyard. I'm not typically incredibly attuned to nature, but since starting my meditation practice, have been more mindful of our surroundings. My parents' backyard looked so gorgeous today- lush, green, and budding. It was beautiful to see.

2. So many great new songs and sets this week! A few of my favorites:

  • New Epic Radio
  • Porter Robinson's new song Sad Machine is anything but- euphoric and gorgeous. I can't WAIT for his new album.
  • NERO is back - and still dark, sultry, and heavy on the bass. Loving Satisfy.

3. My friends had a wonderful engagement party / housewarming last night, and there was so much love all around the room. I love being part of special moments like that. + we had a blast.

4. I did something today that I never thought I'd do - yoga in my apartment. Doesn't sound too revolutionary, but there is something about the idea of doing yoga in your own apartment that always felt like it wouldn't possibly feel like a good workout. It takes a lot for me to break my exercise "rules," one of which is that exercise time has to be heavy on cardio and in a gym environment. So, I was proud to give myself permission to try something different. And it was great! The video that I did was rigorous and I really enjoyed it. And it helped me mix it up (I'd spent the past few days running on the treadmill and could feel my body needed a break) without having to plan around a class time. I've obviously only tried one service, but since I've been to their studios in real life, I feel like I can confidently vouch for My Yoga Works online.

5. NEW MAD MEN TONIGHT. Enough said.

6. Dating has been getting to be a lot more fun and a lot less stressful. My life coach put it best - approach dating like you just want to see [who the other person is] and be seen yourself. It's really opened up my perspective and helped me to shut off the need to worry about "pleasing/perfecting" and whether or not he is interested in me. It's much more about mutually understanding who the other person is and deciding if there could be something there.

7. I had a great week away for work last week, but it was also EXHAUSTING and I was really craving alone time by the end. I got to catch up on a lot of sleep this weekend, and also get some necessary 'me time' in.

 

On that note, it's time for Mad Men!

Wishing you a blissful start to your week.

 

Gabourey Sidibe Gets It

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Speaking of epic people opening up about self-esteem, I found this article about Gabby Sidibe's Speech at the MS Gala and couldn't avoid sharing it. Three words: Girl. Is. Brave.

and two more: she's hilarious.

I absolutely love how open and honest she was about her past, her upbringing, and her ability to basically say "fuck you all, I'm going to be awesome because I AM awesome, no matter what you say."

Society doesn't define how much we should love ourselves. We do. And the answer to that question is as much as we possibly can... and then some.

Get it girl.

Image

 

 

What the world needs now...

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  Image

I'm in a particularly lovey mood today and in the spirit of what you give coming back to you [law of attraction], today I will be spreadiiinn the love.

Here are some really lovely things that make me smile right now.

Probably the only needlepoint item i've ever loved:

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I'm inspired by the love project, which has unfortunately been disabled (apparently for a while now), but nonetheless is beautiful to look at.

THIS incredible quote by Kid President. That kid is the COOLEST.

kid president

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ran into this on the way to Soul Cycle yesterday-- sing it from the heavens, NYC.

pursuit of magic

This Above&Beyond Tumblr, with some of their best quotes from Group Therapy sessions.

What I Gained

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If you know me, you know that I'm very, very open to all kinds of self help and exploration, and have dabbled in just about everything. I think it feeds my curious soul, intellectual need to dig in, and also my somewhat perfectionistic tendencies [which I am working on!]. So. Lately this is manifesting itself in seeing a life coach, whom I actually really love! More on that another time.

In a recent discussion, she suggested that I change the tune about my break-up by focusing on my gratitudes for the relationship and what I can say I've learned and gained from the experience. She says, and I agree, that all relationships are put into our lives for a reason, so while this one didn't end up being the end all, be all, there is certainly much to gain from the experience.

rumi quote be grateful

Here are the things that I gained:

1. The confidence to try new things and put myself out there

If there is one thing my ex is great at, it is just going with it - meeting new people, going to all kinds of events with or without company, he's pretty much down to try anything. I've always been much more reserved and nervous about making myself feel vulnerable in new situations, but he inspired me to get out there and try, to not be afraid to make a connection with a stranger or do something that is out of my comfort zone. And the more I try, the more I see it's not such a scary world after all.

2. New musical interests

Music was a huge part of our relationship, and we both have a lot in common in terms of musical preferences. However, I can easily say that dating introduced me to some of my favorite artists and podcasts. Especially Daft Punk!

3. A boost towards greater self-love- and the start of a journey

When we were together, I felt better about myself than I had in a long time- I think because I started to see myself the way that he saw me. I'm now striving to see myself that way without needing outside validation, but I really believe that he boosted me into feeling like more of a beautiful, interesting, and impressive person than I had felt before. And while it was incredibly difficult, our break-up catapulted a lot of self learning, and a lot of really important exploration for me. I don't know if I would have ever found such important resilience, spiritual growth, and tools to cultivate self love. I'm still learning and growing, but in ways I couldn't have imagined on my own.

4. The knowledge I have the capacity to really, truly love - and go the distance for it.

I had ended all of my previous serious relationships, because after a while, I realized the love wasn't lasting or there for me anymore- but often only after quite a long time of trying to force it and/or beating myself up. I was really hard on myself for walking away from great guys, and thought there was something wrong with me - that maybe I'd never fully be able to feel the kind of love that doesn't waiver. I was pretty young and naive at that time, with a lot of self struggle to overcome, but I definitely learned in this situation what real love feels like, and how I want to feel [and THEN SOME!] with the person I end up with. Love takes work, you have to really be willing to give it your all, and now I know that I can.

5. Love for Los Angeles and some wonderful memories

Not much color commentary to add here- my visits to LA were some of my favorite, I'll always look back on them fondly. I built a bond with a city I didn't think I'd ever really care for.

6. A tough, but important lesson that [to get all Above and Beyond-y on you], love is not enough sometimes.

I have always been under the single-minded belief that love conquers all, is the most important thing, etc. etc. And while I still very much believe in the power of love (what up, Celine?), I now know that that emotional connection isn't a fix all. It doesn't mean that fundamental issues like not wanting the same things in life will magically fade away. It doesn't change a person, fundamentally. It isn't as easy as love at first sight-- though it certainly can be, when it's the right person.

7. Incredible depth of friendship [& how important that is to me]

One of the areas where my ex and I really differ is in depth of friendship -- he has many, many friends and tries to spend his time equally, I tend to stick more to my core group of friends and value building deeper emotional connections and shared memories. In reflecting on this, I've learned just how important and how satisfying these relationships are in my life. Also, I can't say enough how floored I was and continue to be by the incredible love and support friends and family have shown me through this challenge. I am so, so lucky, and the depths of my friendships continue to grow, even more so because of this experience. I love you all!!

8. That it's important to set personal boundaries, and stand up for ME.

As women, I think we've all heard the old adage that men like to do the chasing, that we should be laid back and act aloof and let them come around to realizing how much they need us in their lives. FUCK. THAT. Honestly, I can and probably will write a diatribe about this ridiculous school of thought, holding women back from being themselves and feeling that they can express their needs. But I'll save that for later. What I can say is that - the entire time that I was with my ex, he refused to call me his girlfriend. And I wasn't okay with that, but I made myself be okay with it. I figured that as long as he was good to me and played the part, the words didn't matter and would come in time. I now know that it's incredibly important to set boundaries and to express my needs. It may not have kept him around for longer, but I would have wasted a lot less time on a person who wasn't willing to meet me halfway. Today, I value and respect ME, and trust myself to set boundaries and listen to my heart.